Taking the Pie

Last Friday morning, New Orleans institution Hubig's Pies burned in a five alarm fire.  No one was injured and the company has vowed it will rebuild and return it's iconic fried fruit pies to store shelves.

Nearly everyone in New Orleans was a fan of Hubig's Pies -- even those who said they weren't could usually be pressed into admitted a secret love for the paper-wrapped, frosted treats.  My own personal favorite flavor was chocolate, but in a pinch peach or lemon would do just as well.  I never went past a display without checking for a coconut for my Dad.

New Orleanians cried out for the return of the pies in their desire for post-Katrina normalcy.  The owners had decided not to attempt a come-back after the factory was devastated by floodwater, but so many citizens demanded the pies that the owners felt they had no choice but to respond.  It's a well-known secret that if you can flag down the delivery person before he makes it to the stores, you have first pick of the pies and can buy them directly from the delivery man.  When the first pies were delivered after Katrina, the delivery men could not make it to the front doors of the stores without being mobbed for pies.  It took well over a month for most stores to get a full order of pies delivered.

Hubig's are a local tradition, something uniquely New Orleans.  Deliveries have always been limited to the distance a truck can drive out and back in one day.  Only after Katrina did the company start shipping pies via next-day delivery to customers who purchased custom order cases through the company's website.  It's a very local, very New Orleans company.

Nearly everyone mourned last Friday morning when they heard about the fire.  I know I stayed up far too late into the wee hours of my Saturday morning following the story as it unfolded on the other side of the world.  A part of me was heartbroken as one more bit of the city I call home was forcibly ripped from my hands and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  I watched on live (streaming) television as yet another icon was destroyed.

I was overjoyed when the owners announced they vowed to rebuild and return the palm-sized bits of bliss to New Orleans shops and supermarkets.  I was thrilled when I saw on the website that I could be an "angel investor" and pre-order a case of pies to help with the rebuilding efforts.  Even my Australian husband is happy to help by purchasing a Hubig's t-shirt in support of the rebuilding.

The amazing outpouring of support for Hubig's Pies astounded me.  And that's why I was disgusted to see this:

$500 for a Hubig's Pie is insane!

I would not be as disgusted if I knew for a fact that the difference between the $500 and the $1.30 (including sales tax) purchase price was being donated to the rebuilding effort.  But I seriously doubt it will be.  I cannot imagine the kind of person who would be so incredibly greedy and self-serving.  It is worse than looting.  I cannot even think of anything to accurately describe how disgusting this is.

Plum Crazy

Tonight, as I was surfing through the message boards I follow, I happened upon a post by someone very excited to get tickets to a restaurant.  This had me curious -- tickets to a restaurant???  I had a million questions -- well, maybe not a million, but a fair number.  The first being "Tickets?  Don't most restaurants just have a system called reservations???"  After that I began to wonder more... do you have to pay for the tickets?  If so, do you still have to pay for your meal?  And the more I thought about this, the more I came to the conclusion that people who are willing to get tickets to a restaurant should probably have their head examined.  After I shook some sense into my own head, I clicked on the link to the restaurant in question and came away with the same opinion.  There is some serious insanity in the world today.  $265 per person for tickets to a tasting menu, and the price does not include the 20% service charge, drinks (alcoholic or otherwise), or applicable taxes.  Further research revealed that you cannot get tickets for parties larger than 6 -- but if you have a larger party, the restaurant will be happy to discuss renting the entire facility on Monday or Tuesday night.  No price was given for this option, but I am sure it would come in at more than $265 per person.

Okay, I admit that I am in no way a "foodie" as the word is used in popular culture.  I want my food to look like something recognizable, be cooked well, and be reasonably priced.  For $265 per person, I want more than a tasting plate of artfully arranged amuse bouche, I want food, preferably fresh lobster in obscene quantities.  I am not a fan of the trend towards meals as either science experiments or art projects.  I find it both wasteful of and disrespectful to the products used.  Just because you can turn squid ink into pseudo-caviar pearls with agar agar (yes, the same substance used as a medium to grow out bacteria samples in petrie dishes) and liquid nitrogen, it doesn't mean you should.  Similarly just because there is the technology to create green apple essence helium-filled edible balloons, there is not an imperative to do so.  And it certainly doesn't mean you should charge people nearly $300 for the privilege of consuming this experimental art project.

Squid ink caviar not only wastes the squid ink, but also the agar agar and liquid nitrogen.  It also can waste the squid, as I do not believe humanity has perfected a squid milking process as of yet.  If you want to use caviar, use caviar; why waste squid ink?  It's not like using squid ink is going to make the dish any more acceptable to vegetarians or vegans.  Besides by using actual caviar, you eliminate the need to use agar agar to thicken the ink, and the liquid nitrogen to freeze-set the pearls.  Nothing is wasted -- even the squid (which are highly intelligent, sentient creatures) is free to go about his squid life unmolested.

Green apple balloons are a pointless waste of something delicious on their own.  Apples are already incredible things.  Think about it, how awesome is a fresh, crisp, juicy green apple?  On its own, fresh from a slight chilling in the fridge, it's a great thing -- simple and refreshing.  Can that perfection be improved upon by creating a helium-filled balloon of apple essence???  The whole concept is insulting and disrespectful to the apple and the diners, who are being treated as though they are incapable of enjoying something as simple as an apple in its natural state.  The chef has to dumb down the apple to its "essence" and then serve that as an edible helium-filled balloon.  Quite apart from being insulting to the diner and the apple, this "dish" is wasteful of a limited, non-renewable resource --helium.  Yes, the world is running out of helium; helium that is too precious to be wasted in such a fashion.

I am getting less and less tolerant of waste, especially waste of food products -- from general household waste, to food competitions (What happens to the loser's cupcakes on Cupcake Wars?  What becomes of the cereal treat buildings?  Who eats what's left when the Iron Chefs have served their meals to the judges?), but also the waste of otherwise usable food on allegedly scientific programs like Mythbusters -- not only the countless pigs who gave their lives to further little boys' pyrotechnic fantasies, but also the waste of the thousands of pounds of gelatin used in the ballistic gel models.  It's all wasted, and to no real purpose.

Somewhere humanity has gone off the deep end in regards to foodstuffs.  We all know there are "starving children in Africa," and yet we are willing to not only waste the valuable resources, but to pay handsomely for the privilege of doing so.  The world has gone so far past crazy I fear that the only way to save it is to let it keep going until the even the craziness is unsustainable -- which I can only hope comes before the earth's helium is exhausted in green apple "essence" balloons.

Winning Math

I have lots to say on the NCAA Punishment of Penn State in the wake of the Sandusky scandal, and that may come later, but for right now, let's clear up a point most, if not all, media outlets have wrong.

Prior to the sanctions and the vacating of the victories from the 1998-2011 seasons, Joe Paterno was credited with leading his team to 409 victories, breaking the record of 408 career victories held by Eddie Robinson of Grambling State University.  The coach with the next highest number of career victories is Bobby Bowden, with a career total 377 victories by his teams.

Prior to the Penn State punishment, the numbers looked like this:

• Paterno        409
• Robinson     408
• Bowden       377

Notice that I have not ranked the coaches.  That is because all those totals pale in comparison to the 484 (and counting) career victories of current head coach at St. John's University, John Gagliardi.

Authors of news stories have been proclaiming that Bowden is now the "winningest coach in college football."  I am not sure how they figure that, when there are still two head coaches with more career victories than Bowden, one of whom is still coaching!

But in all actuality, I know how the media came to that conclusion.  And the truth is sad and belittling.  The fact is that Bobby Bowden coached at Division I FBS schools, those big-name media-darling teams that garner massive television air-time and bring in millions in merchandising revenue for the NCAA and the schools.  While some authors grudgingly acknowledge Eddie Robinson, because he coached at a Division I school, Grambling is a second-tier Division I FCS school, and the less column space devoted to those schools, the better.

John Gagliardi's career is ignored by the mainstream media and television because he coaches at a Division III school.  His team plays with no television contracts, no lucrative merchandising deals, no scholarships for players.  Heck, St. John's games are all within driving distance of Minneapolis, MN, so they never even drive past an ESPN remote van!

Just because the school is small and does not play with the "big boys" does not mean that the media can  manipulate the 484 career victories to 0 so that Bobby Bowden can be declared atop the heap in career victories.  When most people do the math, 484 is 76 more than 408.  It's 107 more than 377.  To everyone but sports writers.