Balancing the Budget in an Afternoon

When I lived in New Orleans -- wait, let me re-phrase that, I've never lived in New Orleans -- When I lived in unincorporated Jefferson Parish, across the river from what the world thinks of as New Orleans, even though I was really only a three streets away from what is in actuality, New Orleans, the city was drowning in debt and in need of a large, quick influx of cash.  Nevermind the fact that any money actually collected would never be put to whatever use for which it was earmarked.  But as I said, the city was in need of a large influx of cash.  There were plans to raise the sales tax and plans to tax this, that or the other.  In truth I cannot really remember what ended up happening to raise the money so desperately needed.  I suspect, it being Louisiana, that it was a matter of “creative accounting” which at some point in the future will be the subject of a federal investigation.

The point of all this wandering backstory is that during this financial crisis for not-even-my town, I came up with a plan.  A plan that would not only get the city the money it needed to do things that might actually help average citizens, instead of keeping any number of politicians’ frozen vegetables nice and cozy warm, but would bring the city to a budgetary surplus.  And I could almost guarantee that this would be accomplished in a single weekend. 

At the time, the mayor of New Orleans had a particularly annoying habit of smirking during comments, be they in press conferences, interviews, or just out and about.  It was a sneering, mocking smirk, just the kind your mother would have dearly loved to smack off your face and into next week when you were a sarcastic teenager.  (Don't argue, I am sure you were at times, a sarcastic mocking teenager, in desperate need of a smack.)  Seeing the smirk so often on tv and in the newspapers, I became convinced I was not the only person to really want to smack him.  So I came up with the plan.

My brilliant plan was called “Slap the Smirk Off the Mayor.”  It’s execution was simplicity itself.  I suggested that for a charge of $5, a person could line up and "Slap the Smirk Off the Mayor."  I had rules.  This was after all a reasonable and civilized endeavor, not merely an act of gratuitous violence.  It had to be an open-hand slap.  No rings or other jewelry could be worn on the hand delivering the slap, and while it may seem discriminatory, I also disallowed prosthetics of  any kind (though I was willing to allow prosthetics users a designated slapper).  And because like me, many people may want a “second go” to really ensure that the smirk was well and truly slapped off the mayor’s face, any one slapper was able to give additional slaps by paying another $5 and returning to the back of the line. I was fairly certain that I would have people lined up around the block several times over to participate in what could be described as their “civic duty.”

It was a beautifully simple plan, and guaranteed to make money for the City of New Orleans, with a lot less effort than any other suggested methods would require.  One full day of the mayor’s schedule cleared and for doing nothing more than sitting in a chair “greeting” his constituents, and he would have balanced the city’s budget for not only his term, but quite possibly several future mayors' terms as well. It was a beautiful plan.  And while I never got the chance to suggest it to any one in the city of New Orleans, I remain convinced that it would work.

Now that I live in Australia, and much to my dismay, I have found that politicians are no different here than they were in New Orleans.  I see that same taunting smirk on the Leader of the Opposition at his press conferences and on the Manager of Opposition Business when he is whining about something in Parliament Chambers.  For reasons known only to the news directors and media outlets, the Opposition members are on television far more than members of the Government, though I am sure that Government ministers smirk equally as much.

As much media attention is being focused on “returning the country to surplus," I am willing to modify my brilliant plan for Australia's benefit.  I remain convinced that this plan will balance the budget, and return a surplus the likes of which no national treasurer has ever seen!

I admit that on a national scale, the plan needs a bit of tweaking.  And towards that end, I have spent the weekend giving the plan just the tweaks it needs.  I suggest that not only should the Leader of the Opposition be available for "constituent greeting," but also the Prime Minister, the Manager of Opposition Business, the Leader of the House, the Treasurer, the Shadow Treasurer and for good measure, Andrew Bolt, be available for slapping one day in each of the capital cities.  I suggest the same rules apply:  $5 for one open and empty handed slap across the cheek of one of the government representatives.  Additional slaps would require the individual to go to the back of the line and pay again.  I would have the budget back to surplus in one afternoon.

This plan would work, I’m sure of it. Don't you want to do your civic duty and Slap the Smirk Off the Leader of the Opposition? Come on, you know you do!!!